By Rachael Pope
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Love your “flaws”. Embrace your “imperfections”. Celebrate your unique beauty!
These are all important messages that need to be shared, but I have one major issue with the self-love movement and its growing presence in media. They focus almost exclusively on the self-love of your physical appearance. Don’t get me wrong, I fully support this movement and the celebration of diverse physical beauty. My issue is with the exclusion of loving flaws that are not appearance-based from the conversation.
Why are we not talking about embracing inner “flaws”?
We are taught to be very accepting of the flaws of others. People tend to be quick to
forgive their loved ones, such as friends and family. When it comes to our own mistakes, especially those that hurt ourselves and/or other people, the story tends to be very different. We struggle to openly confront the issue. We may either repress it so we don’t even have to think about it, get defensive and deny any responsibility, or even allow it to overtake our sense of self and consume us with self-loathing. We don’t treat ourselves the way we treat those we love. What this tells me is that we aren’t including ourselves as one of our own loved ones.
Think of somebody you love. This can be a friend, family member, even a celebrity or
role model you really admire. Now let’s be brutally honest. It does not matter what person you’re thinking of, if you are truly honest you can think of at LEAST one thing that you don’t necessarily like about them. This doesn’t make you love them any less! You accept and embrace character flaws in those you love. Everyone can be selfish, jealous, mean, dishonest etc etc... I could go on all day. I’m not saying you have to like these things. You shouldn’t! However, you don’t have to like something to love it. That’s what you do when you love someone. You don’t love them in spite of their flaws, nor do you love them because of those flaws. You love them, all of them, and flaws are a part of them.
Now I’m going to guess that this isn’t a new concept to the majority of people. We talk a lot about loving others. What we don’t talk a lot about is applying this love to ourselves. Oftentimes we do not even think about the fact that we have a relationship with ourselves! We focus on external relationship and communication skills. These skills take time and practice to develop. In the same way, it takes time and practice to build and strengthen a loving relationship within yourself.
“The most important relationship you have in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself. So you might as well enjoy the company” - Diane Von Furstenberg
We are not taught how to confront, apologize to, and reconcile with ourselves. It can be difficult and uncomfortable to self-reflect and see things we do not like about ourselves. This can lead to avoidance and repression. Without honest self-reflection you will turn a blind eye to your issues, only to carry them around as a hidden burden. You can put a band-aid on a wound and change bandages as much and as often as you like, but the only thing that will actually fix it is your own body’s healing and regrowth. Growth takes time. Growth can be painful. But it is far less painful in the long run if you allow yourself the time and patience to heal now, versus ripping off, changing bandages, and reopening the wound time and time again.
Self-love goes hand in hand with self-improvement. You can be a masterpiece and work in progress at the same time. Being a good person and working on yourself are not mutually exclusive, they occur simultaneously. Learn to confront issues and find a way to resolve it in a healthy and kind way not just for others, but for yourself as well. Be gentle. If you see yourself make the same or a similar mistake, recognize that a lapse is not a relapse. Acknowledge that changing anything takes time, whether that be a behavior or a thought process. Habits are hard to break, and that includes habits of the mind.
“Set goals so high that they demand an entirely different version of you” - Ebonee Davis
Self-love is so much more than what you look like, just as loving one another is far
deeper than physical appearance. We focus so much on relationships with others we often forget and neglect our relationships with ourselves. Be sure to make the time to befriend yourself. To cultivate internal respect and trust. Dive right in! Self-love is the only ocean that it is impossible to drown in. The deeper you swim, the more your lungs fill with air, and the stronger you will become. Love yourself where you have been, where you are, and where you are going. Just keep swimming!
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